#9 Another Happiness Post

Hey you guys!

Soooo I’m back with the 30 days writing challenge. I know I know, it’s not really 30 days challenge as I dont post regularly hahaha. Today’s theme is about happiness. Again. Well, the previous one was actually about things that make me happy which turned into a question what actually makes me happy.

So, just recently, a best friend of mine talked to me about her feeling unhappy with her life. I know her stories and why she is not happy. Many of my friends like to tell me their stories and why they are unhappy (or even happy). Some of them talked about their family which got me thinking about mine.

You see, I went to see a psychologist earlier this year because I felt, for quite some times, something is not right with me but I cant figure out what and why. If you check my older post about it, I talked about my toxic relationship with my ex. But another thing that the psychologist mentioned was about how I felt neglected when I was a kid. I was very surprised when she mentioned that because what I remember is that I have a really happy childhood and I am very fond of the memories. I got really defensive of course. How could this person who just met me attack my parents like that? Yea, I felt that she attacked my parents who tried their best to raise me and my brother. They love me. How could she?

Then she explained to me that it was not their intention to neglect me, emotionally. I might look at it just fine when I was a kid but deep down I wanted more. I don’t like being touched or touch other people. It bothers me until now. It gets better but still bother me. She mentioned that my “love tank” in the section of physical touch could be lacking when I was a kid. So I dont like physical contact that much and found it to be weird. Dont get me wrong, I still hold my parents hand and acted like a kid sometimes when I am around them like asking my dad to give me a piggy back ride (oh wow poor you Dad, I’m sorry I know I am heavy). But I dont hug or kiss my parents. I do, rarely.

Another thing is that my ex and my family said that I could be very distant or emotionally unavailable. To be honest, I dont feel that way but some people said so. I just need my space I guess. I just like being left alone sometimes or most of the times, depending on my mood or life situation. The psychologist said that these things could happen because both of my parents were working and I was left at home with 2 housekeepers and my brother. So I didnt get to see them very often and hang out with them.

Another thing is that, my parents tend to portray me as an independent child ever since I was a kid. I rarely cried when I was hurt like when I fell from bike, I always do everything myself, I never cried or whined when I was sick etc. I dont know whether it’s just me being me or it’s because how they portray me so now I am like this. Because I am used to do everything by myself, it is very hard for me to actually ask for help. My colleagues tend to said this to me: if you’re overwhelmed or tired or whatever, you do realise that you can ask for help right? Dont do everything by your own, you’ll get exhausted. Again, the psychologist also mentioned that this could happen because of my childhood.

I spent couple of months, even after I was back in Germany, thinking about what she said and still rejecting it. I dont want anyone to blame my parents and attack them of who I am. It is not their fault.

Then after talking to my psychologist again, I realised that it IS not their fault. It is no one’s fault. They dont mean it to harm me or neglect me. They are trying their best. They love me and my brother and have our best interests in mind. But no one is perfect, they might make some mistakes that they dont realise. We all do. They don’t fail me, but it’s just apparently my kid-self want something more and feel like it was not enough. I know there are some toxic parents (or children) out there but my parents are not.

So, was I happy during my childhood? Yes. Definitely.

Cheers,

Kemmy

#6 Lucky 7?

Hey you guys!

Again, I didnt post anything for my 30 days writing challenge hahaha dammit Kemmy. Well sorry, I was too tired to write anything as I went to Berlin 2 days ago and came back at the same day. Dammit it was tiring and I got stye so my eye was really hurting. Oh man, I was in such a badmood because I was really tired and well, my eye was really hurting. I felt bad because I went there with my friends and they tried to make me talk laugh etc but I just didnt respond. What an annoying person, Kem.

Alright anyway, lets talk about post #6 shall we?

So, the theme is “single and happy.” Well, I dont really want to get too personal on this post but this post will definitely get personal. Oh wow, opening up to people on the internet. Anyway I did post something on my past relationship before if you’re interested, just click here.

Sooo, to be honest I dont really get it why some people feel embarrassed or sad about being single for a long time or never had one. I mean, why should you? Well, December is coming closer and it would be my 7th year of being single. My past relationship was my first and at the moment, still my very recent one (7 years? Recent? Really Kem?). I used to celebrate the day that I broke up with my ex (as my older post has mentioned). Apart from being diagnosed to have this trauma that I need to address, I am pretty happy with my life and the decision that I made almost 7 years ago.

My past relationship was not the best and I wont go into detail on it. After I broke up with him, I felt… free? I guess that’s the best word to describe how I felt. I always felt like I was trapped when I was still with him. I had to put him as my priority, always. I could not even spend my times with my friends without a guilt trip from him. When we had a fight or when I said that I want to break up, he threatened me to kill himself. Awesome. I was really scared he will actually do that.

But I think what made me sad was that he could not celebrate my achievement with me. Instead, he liked to put me down. For instance, I just got accepted for an exchange with AIESEC. I was really happy about that and I told him about that. His response?

“So you choose to go to somewhere else for your winter break instead of spending time with me? Wow unbelievable”

Greaaaaatt. Guilt trip journey, once again.

Or… when I managed to get a good grade after I put a lot of effort for the exam

“Oh? That’s nothing. I managed to get better when I was in high school and I didnt really put any effort on that subject”

He is 2 years older than me and we went to different school. Mind you, the subject that I aced was not even the same subject that he bragged. Why cant you just be happy with me though? Why it’s always about you? Why you have to do me like this? I guess those are what I want to say to him.

So yeah, after I broke up with him I finally feel like I was free. I tried so hard to impress him because he liked to put me down and it was really tiring to have a relationship with someone who well… thinks that everything revolves around him. So now here I am. Being single for almost 7 years.

Am I happy? Yes, of course I am.

But 7 years? Really, Kem?

Yes. 7 years. And I dont see any problem with that. I am not ready for a new one for now and I dont think jumping to a new relationship while I am not ready is a good decision. Not only I will hurt myself, but also my partner. Though I only have one past relationship, it actually taught me a lot of things. And from that experience, I learned that I should not rush things. If it meant to be then it will happen. I know that everyone has their own baggages that they carry but I, at least, want to leave one baggage before I jump into a new relationship. Simple, I just want to be able to talk or mention about my ex and my past relationship with him without feeling any outburst of negative emotions. Dont get me wrong though, despite everything he did to me I have never wished him hell (get the reference? Please say you do) and I have never stalked him on social media. Not even once. He has his own life and I have my own and that’s that. I genuinely cared about him as well, so if anything I do wish him all the best in life.

Soooo to conclude this post, once again I just wanna say: I have been single for almost 7 years and I am so damn happy about it.

Cheers,

Kemmy

Happy burpeeday! Jelly legs, wide smile: How the box celebrate my birthday

Hey you guys!

So I’m back from my “Me Myself and I” time and how did I spend it? Basically doing nothing hahaha. So anyway I just had my birthday yeay I’m old! So now I’m officially a quarter century minus 1 year. Yeay!!

Anyway let’s talk about my birthday. This year how I “celebrate” it was kind of different. How? Usually I had dinner or lunch with my close friends but since we work now and some are living in other country or other island so it’s getting hmm how do I say it, harder to do to that. So anyway I decided to go to a small island where my uncle works. It’s called Tidung Island. I’ll talk about it more on my traveling post (been a while no?).

I wanted to rent a room but my parents insisted on coming with me and want to do a day trip there. So basically I just had lunch aaaaand that’s all. Well apart from walking on the island hahaha. So anyway I obviously went to the box (literally had no other place to go so that’s why guys hahaha). I didn’t tell anyone about my birthday because guys people at the box celebrate it by giving you extra burpee. How much? Depends on your age. So it would be 24 burpees for me. Yeah no thank you.

Back when I was in Tidung Island, a guy thought I was still in Junior High School so he probably thought I’m still around 15 hahaha. I found it very funny actually (though it happened to me a lot) so I posted it on instagram because it was the day when I turned 24 and people thought I’m 15. And my friend at the box saw my post and told everyone.

I didn’t go to the box on Friday not because I tried to avoid those burpees (well I did but also I had work to do). So I thought yeay bye extra burpee I’m free yeaaayy. Then I decided to come on Saturday morning since my German class is not started yet.

My Birthday Special WOD

Apparently the WOD was named after me and one of my friends there who just had his birthday as well. So I got a Birthday Special WOD! Oh my god you guys! I was seriously touched and happy like aaaw you guys don’t have to do this. People were coming at me hugging me, kissing me etc because it was my birthday. They were really sweet!

My legs felt like jelly, it was shaking but I can’t stop smiling from ear to ear!

But then.. I started to regret it. The WOD was rough for me. I mean, come on just look at the board! So I cursed a lot. Love hate relationship with my birthday special WOD I guess hahaha. In the middle of the workout the coach keep saying happy birthday Kemmy while smirking and seeing me in pain and grunting.

After we were done I tried to catch my breath then suddenly the coach made some speech about how this WOD is dedicated to the birthday boy and girl AND we had to do burpees. Like what? I just ran, jumped, did deadlift, goblet squat and now 24 burpees? Like now? I NEEDED REEEESTT but I did it anyway though. Hahahaha. My legs felt like jelly, it was shaking but I can’t stop smiling from ear to ear!

Please watch the video in which I was in so much pain (I like to hyperbole things)

I think what they did for my birthday was very sweet and it was very special for me. I love the WOD special (though it felt like hell) I love the burpees (though it made my legs shaking like a jelly) I love the high fives I love everything. I just knew these guys for 3 months and I could call them my second family because I always wanna come back to the box 🙂

I love you guys.

Cheers,

Kemmy