#9 Another Happiness Post

Hey you guys!

Soooo I’m back with the 30 days writing challenge. I know I know, it’s not really 30 days challenge as I dont post regularly hahaha. Today’s theme is about happiness. Again. Well, the previous one was actually about things that make me happy which turned into a question what actually makes me happy.

So, just recently, a best friend of mine talked to me about her feeling unhappy with her life. I know her stories and why she is not happy. Many of my friends like to tell me their stories and why they are unhappy (or even happy). Some of them talked about their family which got me thinking about mine.

You see, I went to see a psychologist earlier this year because I felt, for quite some times, something is not right with me but I cant figure out what and why. If you check my older post about it, I talked about my toxic relationship with my ex. But another thing that the psychologist mentioned was about how I felt neglected when I was a kid. I was very surprised when she mentioned that because what I remember is that I have a really happy childhood and I am very fond of the memories. I got really defensive of course. How could this person who just met me attack my parents like that? Yea, I felt that she attacked my parents who tried their best to raise me and my brother. They love me. How could she?

Then she explained to me that it was not their intention to neglect me, emotionally. I might look at it just fine when I was a kid but deep down I wanted more. I don’t like being touched or touch other people. It bothers me until now. It gets better but still bother me. She mentioned that my “love tank” in the section of physical touch could be lacking when I was a kid. So I dont like physical contact that much and found it to be weird. Dont get me wrong, I still hold my parents hand and acted like a kid sometimes when I am around them like asking my dad to give me a piggy back ride (oh wow poor you Dad, I’m sorry I know I am heavy). But I dont hug or kiss my parents. I do, rarely.

Another thing is that my ex and my family said that I could be very distant or emotionally unavailable. To be honest, I dont feel that way but some people said so. I just need my space I guess. I just like being left alone sometimes or most of the times, depending on my mood or life situation. The psychologist said that these things could happen because both of my parents were working and I was left at home with 2 housekeepers and my brother. So I didnt get to see them very often and hang out with them.

Another thing is that, my parents tend to portray me as an independent child ever since I was a kid. I rarely cried when I was hurt like when I fell from bike, I always do everything myself, I never cried or whined when I was sick etc. I dont know whether it’s just me being me or it’s because how they portray me so now I am like this. Because I am used to do everything by myself, it is very hard for me to actually ask for help. My colleagues tend to said this to me: if you’re overwhelmed or tired or whatever, you do realise that you can ask for help right? Dont do everything by your own, you’ll get exhausted. Again, the psychologist also mentioned that this could happen because of my childhood.

I spent couple of months, even after I was back in Germany, thinking about what she said and still rejecting it. I dont want anyone to blame my parents and attack them of who I am. It is not their fault.

Then after talking to my psychologist again, I realised that it IS not their fault. It is no one’s fault. They dont mean it to harm me or neglect me. They are trying their best. They love me and my brother and have our best interests in mind. But no one is perfect, they might make some mistakes that they dont realise. We all do. They don’t fail me, but it’s just apparently my kid-self want something more and feel like it was not enough. I know there are some toxic parents (or children) out there but my parents are not.

So, was I happy during my childhood? Yes. Definitely.



#2 Finding Happiness?

Hey you guys!

Just like the first post on my personality, a question on happiness is pretty hard for me to answer.

So Kemmy, what makes you happy?

Well… a lot of things.

You see, when I was in college I knew I was not happy with myself. Well, sort of. I meant, I had everything I guess? I hung out with my friends everyday, I had no financial problem, no problem with uni whatsoever but I could tell something is missing. Then I stumbled upon this book from Gretchen Rubin “The Happiness Project.” Well that sounds interesting, maybe I could find something that I am looking for right? Though I had no idea what.

After reading the book, I made my own happiness project with specific theme for each month. Like what I wanna do and what I wanna achieve specifically. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good book and an interesting project. But, it became a hustle for me, like doing tasks. Uhh yea no. For couple of months, I was really into it but then afterwards, I just forgot about the previous goals and pursued the next one. See? Like doing an assignment. Do this and finish it then do other things. Aaaand the cycle continued. For example, I remember one of the themes is friends and one of the goals is reconnecting with friends who used to be close with me. That worked fine though we didnt get as close as before again. Another theme was about God as I wanted to connect with God and my faith more. Did this one work? Nope. It worked for that month but afterwards? Meh. For me, faith is something that is very very fundamental. It comes from your heart, if you don’t believe then you just don’t. You cant force someone to believe in something. I believe in God but I don’t like religion so this one became a really daunting tasks for me. I was forcing it. To become happy as per others’ views: reconnect with your religion and God.

That little project of mine was a nice but it made me realise you dont find happiness. You create one. Happiness is not a destination and it is not only about positive thinking but it is about taking positive action. What I did with in project was positive actions to create happiness but some of the targets were based on others not based on me.

So, let’s go back to the question again: what makes you happy?

A lot of things which I cant mention one by one. Well, as a happy-go-lucky and easily impressed kind of person, many things can make me happy.