#11 Oh my God, my sister is going to die!

Hey you guys!

Today I want to continue my 30 days writing challenge which is about my sibling. I have one big brother who is only 1 year older. My mom was surprised when she was pregnant with me. “I just gave birth and I was already pregnant. I was embarrassed” Mom. That is such a weird thing to get embarrassed about. My brother and I were not breastfeed by my mom because there was basically no milk coming out. She also did not have any signs/symptoms like nausea for example. Well, apart from her period was late. Hence, she didnt know that she was pregnant. Actually my mom initially wanted to have an abortion (yep, I was supposedly die) because she was afraid that she hurts me as she took a medicine to get her period while she was pregnant. But then she decided to keep me and gave birth to me. Phew, dodge a bullet (or did I really?).

Anyway, it was only my brother and I basically. I mentioned in my previous post that my parents were working. So yea. Since there are only the two of us (yes, until now. I refused to have younger siblings ever since I was a kid. Dont wanna someone to steal my parents’ attention from me hahahaha), I am really close with my brother. Of course we fought (a lot) but hey, siblings are nothing without a fight (uh what?). I remember that mostly we fought because of, well, food. Until now. HAHAHA OH GOOD LORD. You see, I am the type who likes to keep her favorite food and eat it later. While my brother is the type who eats his favorite first. So I liked to store my favorite food in the fridge and eat it little by little, one example: chocolate milk. I still remember the time when I bailed my eyes out because my brother drank my milk and I was really looking forward to it. My brother, with his innocent puppy eyes and chubby cheek, responded with “but I was hungry.” Awesome, big bro. Yes, yes. Very trivial fight. Oh kids.

When I was in first grade of elementary school, I think I was 6, I had this surgery to remove my tonsils because it got inflamed and swollen. The surgery itself was not that painful, I meant I was not even awake hahaha. I was basically unconscious and when I woke up there are some of my family members inside the room. I remember I saw my aunt beside the bed. When I woke up, I coughed and when I spit I saw blood on the facial tissue. I, a stupid 6 years old who watched too many TV shows, freaked out. Ya know, in the soap opera they usually have this scene when you coughing blood and it is a sign that you have a chronic illness and are going to die? Yea, sometimes I watched that shows on TV with my housekeeper. So yea my mind was going crazy: I am going to die. This is it. This is the sign. Yep. I was so shocked, I cried and kept saying that something is wrong and if I am going to die. It was brutally messy. Yep.

Oh it got even worse. My brother came in, holding a barbie doll as a gift for me, saw me freaking out with blood everywhere. So what happened? Now you have 2 kids freaking out and screaming frantically.


After hearing that, I, of course, got even moreeeee freak out. HAHAHAHA GOOD OL’ TIMES. I cant imagine the horror that the adults had that time hahahha. What a dramatic kids we were.

To be honest I could not really remember what happened next. But one thing I remember very well was that I could not eat not even swallowed my own saliva because my throat was hurting like hell. I was promised with lots and lots of ice cream for nothing. Yea, they bribed me with ice cream so I wanted to do the surgery. So innocent, Kem. Oh and the smells of sunny side up was just, uh, hell. It smelled so delicious. So close but so hard to reach. For the next one week, I just kept staring at my brother eating his sunny side up in jealousy. Hahahaha oh good old times.



#9 Another Happiness Post

Hey you guys!

Soooo I’m back with the 30 days writing challenge. I know I know, it’s not really 30 days challenge as I dont post regularly hahaha. Today’s theme is about happiness. Again. Well, the previous one was actually about things that make me happy which turned into a question what actually makes me happy.

So, just recently, a best friend of mine talked to me about her feeling unhappy with her life. I know her stories and why she is not happy. Many of my friends like to tell me their stories and why they are unhappy (or even happy). Some of them talked about their family which got me thinking about mine.

You see, I went to see a psychologist earlier this year because I felt, for quite some times, something is not right with me but I cant figure out what and why. If you check my older post about it, I talked about my toxic relationship with my ex. But another thing that the psychologist mentioned was about how I felt neglected when I was a kid. I was very surprised when she mentioned that because what I remember is that I have a really happy childhood and I am very fond of the memories. I got really defensive of course. How could this person who just met me attack my parents like that? Yea, I felt that she attacked my parents who tried their best to raise me and my brother. They love me. How could she?

Then she explained to me that it was not their intention to neglect me, emotionally. I might look at it just fine when I was a kid but deep down I wanted more. I don’t like being touched or touch other people. It bothers me until now. It gets better but still bother me. She mentioned that my “love tank” in the section of physical touch could be lacking when I was a kid. So I dont like physical contact that much and found it to be weird. Dont get me wrong, I still hold my parents hand and acted like a kid sometimes when I am around them like asking my dad to give me a piggy back ride (oh wow poor you Dad, I’m sorry I know I am heavy). But I dont hug or kiss my parents. I do, rarely.

Another thing is that my ex and my family said that I could be very distant or emotionally unavailable. To be honest, I dont feel that way but some people said so. I just need my space I guess. I just like being left alone sometimes or most of the times, depending on my mood or life situation. The psychologist said that these things could happen because both of my parents were working and I was left at home with 2 housekeepers and my brother. So I didnt get to see them very often and hang out with them.

Another thing is that, my parents tend to portray me as an independent child ever since I was a kid. I rarely cried when I was hurt like when I fell from bike, I always do everything myself, I never cried or whined when I was sick etc. I dont know whether it’s just me being me or it’s because how they portray me so now I am like this. Because I am used to do everything by myself, it is very hard for me to actually ask for help. My colleagues tend to said this to me: if you’re overwhelmed or tired or whatever, you do realise that you can ask for help right? Dont do everything by your own, you’ll get exhausted. Again, the psychologist also mentioned that this could happen because of my childhood.

I spent couple of months, even after I was back in Germany, thinking about what she said and still rejecting it. I dont want anyone to blame my parents and attack them of who I am. It is not their fault.

Then after talking to my psychologist again, I realised that it IS not their fault. It is no one’s fault. They dont mean it to harm me or neglect me. They are trying their best. They love me and my brother and have our best interests in mind. But no one is perfect, they might make some mistakes that they dont realise. We all do. They don’t fail me, but it’s just apparently my kid-self want something more and feel like it was not enough. I know there are some toxic parents (or children) out there but my parents are not.

So, was I happy during my childhood? Yes. Definitely.



The Book Of Lost Things

For every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be – John Connolly, The Book of Lost Things

Hey you guys!

So I want to talk about my all time favorite novel. I read this book when I was in Junior High School and just fell in love with the story and the characters. I borrowed it from my friend but because I like it way too much, I actually bought the book so I could read it again and again.

The author of this book is John Connolly and it was published in 2006. I think I read this book in 2008 or 2009. So what’s the story is all about and why I like this so much? (Yes I still reread the book until now hahaha)

So the story involves around a 12 years old boy named David who is mourning of her mother’s death. He, then, loses in his imagination as his refugee and soon reality and fantasy start to meld together.

I find this story interestingly dark. It might use a kid as the main character and combine fairy tales in the story, but the whole story itself is really dark. This is definitely not a book for kids. I think this is more suitable for young adult, oh well I read this when I was 14 hahaha. This book is like a roller-coaster ride in my opinion, scary but you cant help but wanting more and more and mooorrreeee!

Hell, this book is my love at the first read! 

For someone who loves dark fairy tale (eh basically I like any dark stories which involves psychological, tragedy, twisted mind and story), this book, of course, one of my favorites! Hell, this book is my love at the first read!  John managed to build an incredible dark story based on many familiar fairy tale characters and stories. The way he gave twists, surprising plot and exciting development is just amazing.

Okay Kem, we get it, you love a dark story.

What I love about this book as well is the way the author tells the story. It develops slowly and not in a rush, which is the way I love it. John really does an amazing job in developing the story. He makes the transition between the reality and fantasy feel more real and authentic and you are slowly engulf in the story itself. Not only that, the characters are well described which makes them come alive. His writing captives me right away.

So anyway guys, I am really recommending this book if you are into dark and twisted story. This book is very well written and you cant help but being pulled in into the story.

Let me know what you think about this book if you have read this!