Hey you guys!
Soooo I’m back with the 30 days writing challenge. I know I know, it’s not really 30 days challenge as I dont post regularly hahaha. Today’s theme is about happiness. Again. Well, the previous one was actually about things that make me happy which turned into a question what actually makes me happy.
So, just recently, a best friend of mine talked to me about her feeling unhappy with her life. I know her stories and why she is not happy. Many of my friends like to tell me their stories and why they are unhappy (or even happy). Some of them talked about their family which got me thinking about mine.
You see, I went to see a psychologist earlier this year because I felt, for quite some times, something is not right with me but I cant figure out what and why. If you check my older post about it, I talked about my toxic relationship with my ex. But another thing that the psychologist mentioned was about how I felt neglected when I was a kid. I was very surprised when she mentioned that because what I remember is that I have a really happy childhood and I am very fond of the memories. I got really defensive of course. How could this person who just met me attack my parents like that? Yea, I felt that she attacked my parents who tried their best to raise me and my brother. They love me. How could she?
Then she explained to me that it was not their intention to neglect me, emotionally. I might look at it just fine when I was a kid but deep down I wanted more. I don’t like being touched or touch other people. It bothers me until now. It gets better but still bother me. She mentioned that my “love tank” in the section of physical touch could be lacking when I was a kid. So I dont like physical contact that much and found it to be weird. Dont get me wrong, I still hold my parents hand and acted like a kid sometimes when I am around them like asking my dad to give me a piggy back ride (oh wow poor you Dad, I’m sorry I know I am heavy). But I dont hug or kiss my parents. I do, rarely.
Another thing is that my ex and my family said that I could be very distant or emotionally unavailable. To be honest, I dont feel that way but some people said so. I just need my space I guess. I just like being left alone sometimes or most of the times, depending on my mood or life situation. The psychologist said that these things could happen because both of my parents were working and I was left at home with 2 housekeepers and my brother. So I didnt get to see them very often and hang out with them.
Another thing is that, my parents tend to portray me as an independent child ever since I was a kid. I rarely cried when I was hurt like when I fell from bike, I always do everything myself, I never cried or whined when I was sick etc. I dont know whether it’s just me being me or it’s because how they portray me so now I am like this. Because I am used to do everything by myself, it is very hard for me to actually ask for help. My colleagues tend to said this to me: if you’re overwhelmed or tired or whatever, you do realise that you can ask for help right? Dont do everything by your own, you’ll get exhausted. Again, the psychologist also mentioned that this could happen because of my childhood.
I spent couple of months, even after I was back in Germany, thinking about what she said and still rejecting it. I dont want anyone to blame my parents and attack them of who I am. It is not their fault.
Then after talking to my psychologist again, I realised that it IS not their fault. It is no one’s fault. They dont mean it to harm me or neglect me. They are trying their best. They love me and my brother and have our best interests in mind. But no one is perfect, they might make some mistakes that they dont realise. We all do. They don’t fail me, but it’s just apparently my kid-self want something more and feel like it was not enough. I know there are some toxic parents (or children) out there but my parents are not.
So, was I happy during my childhood? Yes. Definitely.