Hey you guys!
So, previously I talked about how I got diagnosed with trauma due to my abusive relationship and then started a journal which, by the way, I wrote every single day now. Woo. Didnt see that coming before I start my journal (it is really helpful to recall memories and getting to know myself really). I was really sceptic about it at first (as well about the fact that my ex left me traumatised, I meant that word sounds harsh and heavy! Took me around 2 weeks to accept that fact, whew was not easy for me).
Anyway, I got to meet with my therapist again virtually (not only because of corona but also because i’m back in Germany now) after I tried to gather my thoughts and feelings and also accepted the fact that I need help to heal. She told me to practice mindfulness (apart from other stuffs, i have so many homework hahaha) so I can see things more neutrally and also help me to let go of past events. I was, again, very sceptical about it. Huh what? Sitting quietly like buddhist monk or some Dr. Strange shit do not sit well in my head. Uh.. But hey, i have decided to heal and I am very eager to completely let go of stuffs with my ex. So lets give it a try.
Disclaimer: this do not make me feel like Dr Strange or feeling very sensitive whatsoever (I read many people feel their body become very sensitive etc but again, it’s been only 7 days for me)
Well, I started to look for mindfulness practice online and read some articles and books about it. Well i have read a book about it last year but gave it a 3 stars because i could not relate at that time and thought this man is crazy, sorry author, i kinda take that back to certain extent (still cant really get the whole grasp of this new stuff folks). I downloaded many apps, i think it was 4 hahahaha, which basically functioned the same way. Beginner, am i right?
So, first day. Trying it in the morning right after I woke up (I always do it in the morning right after I woke up really). Apparently it was not that hard to stay still for 10 minutes or so. I really like the app that I use, which is 7Mind by the way if you wanna try it out, as the guy didnt really talk too much and give me some times to actually put me in the right head space but also speak at the right moment. I was surprised i didnt feel sleepy or anything really. I also decided to try at night before I sleep while lie down on bed, wow my body felt so light and relaxed. Not sure if it should work like that (i assume it is since it’s before sleep meditation no? no?)
Second day, I tried to also do it in the afternoon for a short break. By noon I have read 2.5 books and worked on my essay, what are you Kem? Machine? Chill. So of course my head got really really heavy. Was it helpful? Yes, yes it was actually. I tend to choose the one with shorter length like 5 mins maximum because i think more than that and i will fall asleep because my body usually feels light during and after meditation.
Third day, nothing really change apart from me being light headed and relaxed. Not sleepy though. I tried to do this trauma healing meditation because hey i was so eager right? Oh boy, that definitely gave me a very different feeling. It gave me this uncomfortable and unpleasant feeling since he asked me to see the past that pain me. Oh wow, not good mate. My chest tighten and felt heavy, i could hear my heartbeat. Not fun at all. But apparently, it’s normal to feel that way. Heh interesting
Fourth day, still the same according to my journal apparently. Though I wont lie, last meditation made me feel like i want to stop because of the discomfort that i felt. But hey, i pushed through and not running away from facing it! Woop
Fifth day, apparently I notice something today. I can feel that I’m getting more sensitive in terms of physical contact. More like, my nose and my upper lip got more sensitive with air. When I breath I can kinda feel the air almost like I can taste it. Sounds weird I know. I couldnt really feel my body when I meditate like I dont have a body, maybe because i concentrate so much on my breathe and the air that is coming in and out I lost sense of my other body parts? I kinda can see myself like me and my body is separated, i guess it’s just me being able to visualise or imagine things more? Heh? Is that how it should work? I feel like I can observe myself outside of my body like I am detached from it. Not sure if this makes sense really but thats what I felt. Another thing that I notice is that my heart beat slower than usual, sometimes i could hear and feel that it’s thumping etc but now I can barely feel it.
Sixth day, the meditation taught me something called Body Scan. I felt that I could feel them if i pay attention to it one by one not at the same time. Well, we’ll get to it then. By this time I can feel that I am feeling more energetic everyday, i even wake up early and not feeling dreadful (not sure if this is because of meditation but i was not (or am not?) a morning person) and happy for no reason (well i am usually happy for no reason so i guess this is not the effect)
Seventh day, I finished my foundation course with 7Mind yeay! Today I did a letting go meditation in the afternoon for 15 minutes and I am surprised I could do it, before I thought 5 minutes is long already hahahah. Oh the apps that I usually use to meditate in the afternoon (for pause and letting go meditation if i have more time) is Insight Timer since it gives you lots of free meditation and it has a timer for your meditation if you dont wanna use a guided one etc. Oh and the previous night I had this dream and it felt really really vivid and memorable. I usually dont really remember my dreams but this one is just different. It’s nothing awesome or anything though. I am not sure if it’s also the effect from meditation?
So there you go guys what meditation for 7 days impinge me so far. I could not say much about the feeling of being more neutral or whether this improve my relationship with others or if others see me like i am somewhat different (since i dont see anyone lately as well because of covid19) but i think it really does give me some effects. Does it help me to let go of past events? Well, I havent got to that point yet so i cant really say. Will I keep doing it? Yep of course 🙂