Hey you guys!
So recently I just met a psychologist back at home. I felt really strange since I have moved to Germany, at first I thought it was just me adapting with stuffs there. But, this terrible mood swings have occurred for quite some times and it was really annoying for me. I dont like feeling annoyed for no reason in front of my friends. They didnt even do anything wrong, I didnt know why it happened, basically I just didnt understand what is happening to me.
I started to have nightmare. Most of them are about my terrible experience with my ex and for quite some times, I didnt even want to sleep because I was too scared to sleep. I dont want to have nightmare, it led me to sleep deprivation which, of course, resulted in shitty shitty mood. I felt miserable, tired and annoyed. Sometimes I felt empty and numb, I dont know how to explain it. It’s just… empty. I was just there and confused. It felt like everything moved real fast but I was just there, standing still.
I have always celebrated the date of my break up with my ex, because I was really happy that I can finally break it off for real after a very tiring 4 years of on off relationship. Last December, it was the 6th year. My friend, Hanif, said, “if you are still celebrating it, it means you havent moved on yet.” That got me thinking. Huh, I thought I have though? I never really tried to understand myself, my own feelings and emotions. I dont like showing emotions apart from my default happy-go-lucky kind of person. I think I feel that it’s some kind of weakness. So, questions like this always got me think more and dig more. Then I decided that I will not celebrate it anymore. Doesnt mean I am looking for a relationship now and wont celebrate it again because I have a new partner, no no. I want to move on. It took me 6 years to actually make a move. Wow hahahha.
Anyway, after meeting the psychologist I found out that I am traumatised by my previous relationship which resulted in commitment/trust issue. I also feel disgust about myself so I need to reconcile with myself as well. And apparently I dont pay attention to myself enough (well, duh) so she told me to do this journaling thingy to understand myself better and to know the reason behind my mood swings etc. So here you go guys, my journey to understand myself better. I might or might not post some of my journal here, I dont really have any clear plan on it so we will see.